Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Go, and sin no more.

“It is our great opportunity to experience the peace of repentance and the joy of forgiveness, and then to proclaim that pathway to others. Once we have found that peace, we are to bear witness of it and teach others how they can obtain it. This we do by being long-suffering, gentle, meek, and by having the pure love of Christ for all we meet. This is our calling as Latter-day Saints. This is our great joy and our blessing.“
Spencer W Kimball

To the adulteress, Christ said, “Go, and sin no more.”

I find it impossible to hold back my experience with repentance, and see it as my duty to proclaim this pathway to others. For I am what was once called an “adultress” and grievously sinned against God. There is no soft-pedaling my errors. I did wrong, I confess it before my God, and bear witness of the peace it brings when one fully repentant. 

It is my privilege to go forward in life having forsaken my sins, seeking the pure love of Christ, and expressing gratitude for the magnitude of blessings I’m giving according to the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Because of Him, my wrongful deeds are washed away.

It is a beautiful process to become clean again, and even more beautiful to help others find the courage to seek repentance. It is not difficult. It is freeing.

I respect my covenants so much more today than I ever have, and I hope and pray I will never let my savior down again.

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Girl on Girl: Oppression

Girl on Girl

YEAH...sorry, it’s not what you think.
I’m here to discuss the ugly little truths behind “girl on girl: oppression”.
Mostly because I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, and having received some comments or been a part of discussions revolving around this topic, I figured instead of annoying Instagram followers with a novel post with straight opinions, I’d vent them here for anyone who is interested.

So this hot thang above....is me.
Twenty something me.
A fit, cute, fashionable girl.
I’ve spent most of my life (fourth and fifth grade excluding) as a pretty attractive female. My youth I was dangerously insecure, but others found me good looking. Then, in young adulthood, I blossomed. I was filled with confidence and thought I had it pretty good. This isn’t to say appearance was a given. I worked my tail of to be in shape, and loved exercise. I’m a hairdresser, so naturally my hair was always in tip top shape. I enjoyed dressing up and wearing makeup (but don’t let that fool you—I’m always the first to get dirty) but all of these things led to a strange and undesirable conclusion:

MEN: Gosh, she’s every guy’s dream.
WOMEN: I hate her.

This isn’t a pity party. And those of you who’ve hated another girl won’t easily admit it, but I will. I’ve only hated girls who’ve had more than me, in areas I always wanted more of.
(Height, chest, voice, etc)
Not recently, of course, but my younger more immature self was defiant and oppressive to other women. Ironically, I faced that oppression. Day in, and day out. For almost two decades.

Why is it a girl can call herself fat and ugly, and the world will respond with sympathy, and “Hang in there, girl!!” Comments??
If a girl calls herself skinny and pretty it’s an open casting call for Biggest Troll and Hater.
I find it interesting. That even the insecure women don’t realize they are in fact a part of the oppressive movement, simply by the way they respond to more confident women.

Part of being confident isn’t just showing off what you have (though you certainly have the right) it’s helping others see what they don’t see in themselves, TOO. It’s lifting those around you. It’s being a voice for the strong woman, lending self esteem boosters to those around you who need them.

There will STILL and haters who read this and think, “I don’t feel sorry for you one bit.”
That’s fine.
Don’t feel sorry that I’ve never been respected by men.
(Or women..straight ones who are insecure or gay ones who “want me”)
That older men hit on me when I was under age and solicited me.
That high school boys were vying for who could “get in my pants” first. (None did)
That men out at dance clubs or bars never treated me with honor or tried to get to know a single thing about me.
That I’ve been cheated on by every man I’ve been in a relationship with.
That I’m viewed as a sex object, and if I don’t meet the unrealistic sex expectation, I’m considered a huge disappointment. (Believe me, I’ve tried to meet them ALL)
I’m thrown into a category of “vain and materialistic” because of my love of fitness and my career choice of cosmetology.
That I’ve been asked to show up “not so pretty.”
That I’ve actaully had to downplay my appearance for the Salem of others, including not wearing makeup (even “ugly” girls were wearing), wear baggy clothes, or in the presence of pervy men I’ve had to go “ugly” so as to not attract unwanted sexual advances.
That other girls think I “have it easy” because I’m “pretty” or “skinny”.
That anytime I try to succeed in a career atmosphere I’m hit on by a superior.
That behind EVERY MALE friend of mine is a scathing female partner ready to claw my eyes out (and yes, I’ve gotten scathing emails from wives of my male friends before-one even accusing me of having an affair with her husband simply by liking a picture publicly on Facebook...and I quote” if you were ugly I wouldn’t have worried”.) which is doubly ironic, because men never cheat up. And I think there are plenty of very happy, healthy, feminine women out there with “less attractive” looks...with just as much appeal to cheaters.
That I can’t even smile in the direction of a man, or offer a compliment to a complete stranger, male or female, without being called a “flirt”.
That I’ve been sexually abused.
That I’ve been told if I were sexy all the time, I’d get more acting jobs.
That I was approached at a gathering by a gay woman and the first thing she said to me was, “Take your shirt off!” (Not, what’s your favorite color? Or, tell me something interesting about yourself?)
That I’m not considered attractive unless I wear certain clothing or makeup.
That most women (even close friends) end up destroying our relationships due to envy and jealousy.

Don’t feel sorry for me. I don’t feel sorry for you.

We all have our load to carry. Mine isn’t difficult, and I wouldn’t change it. I’m just offering insight into this world of girl on girl oppression others (namely those trolling on the attractive).
My thirtieth birthday brought a huge relief for me.
I saw it as leaving those twenties and those “hot years” behind.
It was relaxing.
Less pressure,
I don’t have to meet anyone’es Expectations anymore.
I’m not the “hot thang” wherever I go.
Sure, sometimes I’m the beautiful woman, but I’m a woman now. An “old lady” with three kids and wrinkles who isn’t just a sex object. I’m not as despised by women around me, and I’m not as lusted after by men. I have been able to feel pretty again, and wear makeup to church h without being the recipient of scowls from other ladies in the building who “don’t have time to workout or get ready.”
That’s stinks.
I do.
I do workout.
I do get ready (usually).
I have the right to show it, own it, be proud of it. I also have the right to demand respect for it.

All women, no matter their self confidence, no matter their size, should not be a contributing factor in the oppression of girls. Women should be building one another up. We should be standing strong, as a united front. No size, shape, or color is the definition of beauty. My use of the term “ugly” has been strictly for descriptive purposes, and I truly believe no individual is “ugly”, but unique and beautifully different.  It’s up to us to accept who we are and be the best versions of ourselves without comparisons. Without hate.

Much love to ya, and to the next generation of “hot thangs”: good luck, sistas!!

Friday, June 8, 2018

Dee Eye Vee Oh Are See Ee

Have you ever met someone who raises their hand and says, “I’m so glad I went through a divorce!”
Me either...until now.
Let me be the first, but also let me rephrase it a bit.
I’m glad I went through a divorce, because of how much it taught me.

At the risk of sounding like a whack job, I can honesty say that I’m so happy for the experiences I went through. Granted, I highly caution against getting a divorce unless God commands you to.
In which case, you better listen...lest God smite you down for disobedience. Speaking for a friend...

The truth is, if I saw that man whom I was married to before, I would likely give him and his new someone a big hug. Starting with the new someone! I mean, what a blessing that trial was to my life, and so much gratitude fills my heart every day with how much I learned, how it shaped me, and who I am now because of it. It literally PURGED me of my worst qualities. I doubt there was another way for that to happen. I know God brought that man and I together for a reason, and I know He commanded us to be apart for a reason. He sees all, the Great Picture. He knew what we were to become but that we had to go through some fiery furnaces to get there.

“Divorce” is not a French delicacy.
No, it’s more like a rotten, fermented, pungent potatoe salad that’s been left out in the heat for weeks.
Yet, somehow for me, it was the most shape-shifting, soul-stretching, and Faith-building experience. It’s like the rhubarb pie, nobody wants to get it cause it sounds weird but it’s really the most delicious!
I can see how the Lord used that time in my life to fulfill His purpose, to guide me along to the place He would have me be, to who He wants me to be.
I’ve had so many instances happen where I was like, “Oh! That’s why He sent me on that rugged journey!” That’s how He taught me to listen to the spirit, to repent, to feel compassion, to not judge.
The Lord’s timing is perfect. I have full trust that the Lord has worked miracles in both of our lives, and that our families have also grown spiritually. I pray for them, and have no regrets other than I wish I could ask them to their faces to forgive me of my shortcomings. Life is so sweet and not long enough. 

In other news. Preparing for an ETERNAL marriage is something quite extraordinary.
It is the exact opposite of divorce, but virtually as shape-shifting.
Nothing has terrified me more.
Nothing has caused me to stay up late reading and reading and searching the scriptures.
I am so excited to be with my children forever.
There is no doubt in my mind this is what God wants me to do, but getting enough courage to stand without shaking in that room will take all of my energy.
Any tips!?!?


Thursday, May 24, 2018

Documenting Brittany: Coping With Substance Abuse

Coping with Substance Abuse Vlog
By Documenting Brittany

Preface: Everyone DOES feel pain differently. Some people do have “worse” lives. There are women who have given birth nine times naturally.
Having prepared myself for all those arguments, I’m confident that God also gives us our own unique, personally prescribed, toughest battles. They come at different stages of life over a variety of time and at multiple ages.
My crippling problem might not be yours, and so on.
To the viewer who thought, “No, money doesn’t fix things, but God does. She should have prayed.”
A girl who grew up LDS and never once thought to pray about her immense suffering? Why didn’t she think of that? Oh, she did. I thought that much was obvious.
It goes without saying (yet here I am saying it)
I exhausted ALL the avenues before out of the deepest and darkest desperation, turned to a numbing substance.
I’ll also argue that God doesn’t always take our afflictions from us. Prophets have stated such.
But Jesus Christ promises to always be there with us, to comfort us during them.
I testify that He did just that during my weakest moments.
Human as I am, I chose a method of coping many LDS people judge and condem, yet I never lost my testimony of or turned my back on Christ.
Lastly, to the viewer who is just so amazingly spiritual that they’ve never been tempted by substances, never been crippled, never felt so weak because of a trial that they abandoned their religious values, never had a prayer to relieve pain go unanswered....get ready.
Your time will come.
When you get there, reach out to someone who has already been through it.
You might be surprised to find out what you can learn.

Monday, April 2, 2018


It’s been a long time coming, but my smile lines are officially deeper than my frown lines :) 
There was a time in my life this was not so; and I was much too young to be having frown lines. 
These days I’m so very proud of my smile wrinkles and would never even consider covering or changing them.
I have so much to be grateful for.

Easter Sabbath was amazing.
General Conference was edifying and enlightening.

Friday, March 23, 2018

Is Your Path the same as God’s?

I’ve been pondering this question a lot today. Wondering, is my path the same as God’s? Am I walking the path He wants me to walk?

Sometimes I’ve been sitting in a house for days at a time and I speak only to children under three. Most of the time they’re screaming and crying at me, or fighting with each other. I get desperate for human interaction. Since most people aren’t available unless it’s through social media, I find myself binging social media in an effort to connect. What I encounter are failed connections or surface level friendships. I get depressed. I withdraw. And I’m back in my same circular path.
Which then poses the question: Am I on God’s path for ME?

I’m going to try and figure it out, one tiny set at a time.
I deactivated my social media accounts. Again. For the umpteenth time.
The break is much needed.
I’m going to evaluate my life circumstances.
I don’t have the relationships I want; that is the relationships I have currently, like with my husband, my parents, my siblings, and my friends, are not precisely where I wish them to be.
Do I have a hard life?
Am I extremely blessed and fortunate?
I’m going to celebrate those aspects and continue to improve my relationships while utilizing prayer and scripture study. My goal is to align my path with God’s, for if I’m encountering a hrdahip of some sort, I will be able to know what God’s purpose is in my going through it.

As it stands, I’ve felt painfully alone for a number of years. I do not have people to confide in about my deepest darkest pains and the struggles I’m having. Which, in relation to the world’s crises, are NOT that bad. However, I’m not human and I suffer pains and afflictions just like the next human. I do wish I had a confidant, I do wish I had stronger relationships in my life; but for now, I will focus solely on strengthening my relationship with God. I know He is always there and will be my everlasting friend.