Saturday, April 16, 2016

Surviving the Bedlam of Parenthood

ATK Rocket Display 
Boxelder County 
For an expert opinion how to survive the bedlam of 2 young children.

Today was Saturday. 
We planned a family outing.

I got the diaper bag packed full of stuff, plenty of diapers and two bottles for my 6 month old, two pairs of pants/undies for my 2 year old who is potty trained...usually. Some snacks. My laptop. (We are out of wipes so We have to go get some.) 
Then we stop to get some breakfast at McDonald's and its off to BFE!!

It has been a lo mg tortorous hour since my son ate, so I feed him bottle number 1. Our daughter eats most of her happy meal. Ding ding ding! Squirting the gogurt everywhere counts, right ?

Then Both kids fall asleep, and I'm able to work on my laptop for almost an hour during the drive. 

We are off to a pretty good start, right? 

Our first stop is this random rocket display.
We get out of the car. Our daughter has dry undies! A rarity when she falls asleep , but we are getting better at it. 
So here we are, looking at rockets and stuff. Its like, 40 degrees outside and windy. 
Really windy. 
(see my model hair swish? Totes VS)

But no bid deal. The kids were having fun.

Afterwards, we get in the car and start driving towards our second destination, Golden Spike National Historic Site which is only 5 miles down the road. However, my daughter gives me the potty signal RIGHT when we get on the highway.

We are in the middle of nowhere, so I tell her to hold it tight! She looks optimistic....Meanwhile, my son decides to scream bloody murder. For no reason. His straps on his car seat aren't too tight. He isn't poopy. He has been fed. Yet, he is screaming right at me And he will NOT take a binkie!  I kinda freak out a little, but just on the inside. Its hard to handle your screaming baby.

Our daughter looks less optimistic.
I'm like, we are almost there! Just hold tight. So she says her gibberish that only I can interpret to mean, run So fast to the potty.
Yep. Almost there.

So we hurry to the Golden Spike place. Once parked, I rush around to get her out of the car, but...she has already peed. Now I freak out a little, on the outside. 

My two least favorite things are my screaming babies, that have no reason to be crying other than they can, and peeing kids. Peeing potty trained kids in a car seat, on cloth seats, on a family outing in the middle of nowhere.

I change her clothes, scolding her because she knows better. She has been potty trained for 6 months now!
Its still freezing. She says, Brr.
Ya. Its cokd, and you peed, so your kega are wet.

 My husband takes her car seat out, cleans the seat. And removes the padding on the car seat to lay in the sun to dry. He puts our son in the stroller, calmly asking me to try to let it go so we can have fun.

I frown and say, I will. I will bottle it up.

We go inside this gift shop and the lady says the tour of the train engines already left and the next one is not for another hour. Unless we wana go rush a quarter mile up the road and hurry inside, where We can catch the one that has begun. We do. 
So we start running out to the car...and the car seat is still in the bed of the truck. My husband hurries to clip it in the car, leaving off the wet the padding. I get my kids buckled in which sounds way quicker than it is. I jump in the back seat with the,k my husband starts the engine. And Atley gives me the potty signal.


So I get out, run around to her side, unbuckle her and run...hobble...back into the store to the potty. I forgot to mention I whacked my knee up the other day so I have a cute little limp.

Anyway, my 2 year old goes potty, hooray.

So we run (hobble in the freezing model-swishing-hair wind) back to the car, drive up the road, and sneak into this old barn shaped mechanic shop thingamajig with two huge historical train engines. The tour guide has already started. He is talking loudly in that passionate way retired men who like nerdy trains, odd facts about the 1800s, and other 70 year old man stuff do. And I'm pretty sure he thinks we are crazy bringing a toddler and a 6 month old...but thank the heavens my son has fallen asleep. My chances of ruining everyone's experience is cut in half.

My son does wake up towards the end of the half hour tour, but he's quietmy blowing bubbles in the stroller and it is awesome. My daughter only knocked over one of the cones designating the area we aren't allowed to walk.  I call that a win.

After we leave, we start driving back home. About ten minutes in, my daughter gives me the potty signal. With no bathrooms for miles, I make my husband pull over. I jump out, rush to her side. The door is locked. I yank on it, 3 times...yank yank yank! My husband unlocks the door. Its still freezing. I rush to get our 2 year old from her carseat, and to this little ditch in the 40 degree windstorm. She kicks one boot off a long the way. The other is dangling on her foot as I hold her so she can go potty. As I'm trying to pull her pants back up I tell her to stand up, but her dangling boot is quite the acrobatic challenge and she steps in her pile of pee with the socked foot. We are both freezing out butts off. I pick her up, retrieve the fallen boot and try to get the car door open, twice, while carrying my wild, singing, wriggling 2 year old. The wind keeps slamming the door shut! I drop the boots.  

Long story shmedium...she ends up back in her car seat with o
ONE sock and two boots on.

At that point, I am laughing. I see the humor in things and I realize I'm still having fun. Kids are crazy.

My son, recognizing my joy, starts screaming again. It puts my earlier freak out to shame.

I feed him the last bottle in a desperate attempt to preserve my momentary pleasure. My daughter starts crying for milk. I'm like, no. No more pee. Please. Anything. 
"Juice? Juice? Juice?"
"Milk?" which sounds like, "Mope?"

At least she held her pee this time.
I give her juice.
On the long drive home, we happen to pass a park. My daughter starts pointing, Uh! Uh! She wants to go. 
So we pull in and she gets out with My husband. I take my son out of his car seat to strech, change his diaper and shirt because it is soaked in baby barf, staying in the warm car to work on my laptop a bit. He's suddenly super happy.

About fifteen minutes later, my husband comes running to the truck, my daughter in his arms, pee dripping down her legs. 
She didn't even give him the signal. 

Now both sets of pants are wet. The surviving dry sock done for. And I'm pissed.

As punishment, I tell her we have to leave the park. But we really do, because now she has no pants and no socks. She is in a diaper.

She commences to throw the biggest tantrum I have yet to see, arching and wailing and gnashing her teeth. I force her into her car seat, because I'm evil and want to keep her warm and healthy. 

She gives me the potty signal.

I'm like,  no.
An intensity I've never before seen transforms her green eyes. She shakes her hand at me, Potty Potty !!!!!!! Screaming.

I warn, You better not lie to me. Do you really have to go, again ?!

She makes a noise of agreement. And a sad, half crazed smile.

I take her to the potty at the park, freezing in her diaper. She goes pee. 

How much liquid does this human need to get rid of??
Tantrum round 2 explodes when I try to get her back in the car. I'm shocked CPS was not called.
Tears, snot, what's another body fluid at this point?

We finally tell her she cannot pee anymore, ever ever again. But we decide to put the less wet pair of pants on her and her boots without socks. Because we fail at life, we decide to can play for just a sec more...and because the park in the middle of BFE is hecka radical.
She resumes playing for a half hour. Then it's another, smaller, tantrum to get her in the car to head home.
I'm out of bottles and juice and clothes and patience. 

Our daughter starts demanding all of them.

I give her what's left of Our sons bottle formula in her sippie. She throws it. 
I give her a piece of chicken nugget and sunglasses.
Our son starts to scream again. I've got the binkie in his wide open gaping mouth,maybe shoving it in there cause I keep hoping by some miracle he Will take it, rolling my eyes at my husband cause I'm losing it.

Both kids fall asleep on the drive home. I am able to work almost another hour on My laptop. We get home and I feel great, despite a few moments of maddness. It was seriously such a fun time.

My daughter peed two more times that day.
On my living room floor. 

What the junk??? 

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