Thursday, March 31, 2016

What You Don't Know About Motherhood



It's interesting to me the things I judged about mothers before I became one. Not because I was being rude, but because I simply didn't know. I was ignorant. I had no idea why every single parent in the history of parents would buy a minivan. Or why in the Heck they would put those ugly shades up in the window. Totally ruins the cosmetic appeal of your car! I didn't get that parent who would dare let their kid out of the house without shoes and socks on. I assumed the mother with stickers and paint up her arms was just too lazy to put herself together before running errands. I thought I knew what it was to be tired, or that my fatigue as a non parent was comparable to theirs....HA! No amount of college studying or hangover or pets even amounts to the weariness of parenthood....trust me, I've done them all.


I didn't get "bed times". Seriously, just let your kid stay up later on super bowl Sunday. Or put them to sleep at someone else's house. Or get a babysitter, for heaven's sake! (Rolls eyes)


I thought people who left kid toys and kid snacks all over their house were untidy. Or people who had kids that constantly said, No! Or, Mine! Had rude children.

The truth is, I learned a lot when I became a parent. For starters, minivans are economical and spacious. Each kid has a row to themselves, so they can't hit one another while screaming and throwing toys, while you get to cruise around town accomplishing all your busy mommy tasks in fuel efficient style.

My daughter goes to her pediatricians appointment barefoot. She goes lots of places barefoot. Especially in winter. Wana know why? It's not because I don't dress her properly. It isn't even because I neglect her warmth in the winter. It IS because she pulls her shoes and socks of. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. we drive in the car. Yeah, I put them BACK ON occasionally, BUT I also punish her occasionally by making her walk outside barefoot, on the cold pavement, so that she will learn it is annoying for BOTH of us that she always takes them off.


I wear stickers all over my arms, everywhere we go, because my daughter put them there. Be glad there are only 5. There was 10 stickers! I managed to remove 5 without in the car. When we were at home, each time I took one off, she would pout and hurriedly put up another. I am her walking art board, and she is very proud of being able to remove the pretty stickers and display her artistic abilities on Mama. Of course I wear them everywhere, dimwit.
We have toys and snacks all over the house when company comes over. Duh. My Kids like to play and eat, at random non specific intervals throughout the day. My toys are organized, whether you know it or not, and I do put them away during naptime and at night. If I didn't leave half a string cheese on the fireplace, or six cheeze-its under the ottoman, my kid wouldn't eat.  Believe me.

Not only am I freakin tired, 24/7, but I literally have started to fall asleep WHILE standing up. I NEVER understood why a parent could snap at their kids, EVEN IF THE KID WAS THROWING A TANTRUM IN PUBLIC. they're just kids, I would think. Let it go. They'll grow out of it. Well, I now understand why and how you can lose your patience. When you've said something 500 times and you're running on 7 hours of sleep, for the week, and you have 9 missed calls, 41 unread emails, two upcoming church talks to prepare, you haven't eaten a full meal in weeks, you're suffering from a serious back injury and aren't allowed to take pain killers because you're breastfeeding, and/or you know it could cause harm to your child, you will raise your voice ! It happens sometimes. Big freakin whoop.

I put my kids to bed, at the same time, every night, no matter what...because they turn into two, hostile, carnivorous, Purple People Eaters if I don't, and guess who gets to deal with that ??? Not you, and not you, single person judging me. I don't care if the Angels are about to win the world series, or if it's New Years Eve, or if we just won the lottery. I'll put my children to bed at 8pm, thank you, and I'll see YOU in the morning. LIGHTS OUT. phone off. "Me time".


You put the ugly shade up in your car window, because your child screams bloody murder if the sun is in their eyes.

You make sure they have their very specific nighttime snuggly because if they don't, they scream bloody murder.

Basically everything you do in life is to prevent your toddler and baby from screaming bloody murder. Cause kids scream, all day. Every day. Its how they communicate. The mom at the grocery store with 3 screaming kids is not failing at life, she is succeeding. And she probably puts out fires all day you know nothing about.

I don't even care if I'm pretty anymore. Nope. As long as my kids are provided for, I feel beautiful. Makeup is so ridiculous at this point. My Kids want to kiss my,face and snuggle and play. I don't like seeing my makeup smeared on their clothes. I need to be able to lay down and sleep at the drop of a dime, if by some miracle, my kids go to sleep at the same time. And wearing mascara and foundation and having my hair curled is a nuisance for my naps.

Also, my kids just use my hair as a balancing tool....




I have used diapers scattered around my floor. I have a booger smear on my shirt. Could be mine. Could be theirs.

Maybe I am a little brain dead or emotional but I am also alive in more ways than ever.

I've had successful jobs and made money and traveled to different countries and done lots of single people activities. If I seem insignificant to you, I don't care. I wake up, I slay at being a mom, and I go to bed. And my kids are going to rise up warriors and defenders and exemplars. Boom.

It's true, most non parent don't know what the stress of being a parent is like, but feel bad for them when they judge you instead of hating them, because they are also missing out on perhaps the greatest part of parenthood everrrrrr. And that's the LOVE your kids will give you. 


UNCONDITIONALLY. Not like your pet bird, or cat, or dog, or even your human niece and nephew.

There are no words to describe what it feels like to receive love and affection in the purest form, from you blood offspring, but I imagine it's similar to how people describe meeting God in near death experiences. It is that special, that wonderful.

When your child gives you a kiss, it feels like you've just seen an angel. Even if they stepped on your throat, pulled your hair, poked your eye out, AND drooled in your mouth to accomplish that kiss. Its amaze balls.

So go ahead, judge my under eye bags and sticky hair and mom pouch...tell my old co-workers and ex boyfriend's how I let myself go :) I have never loved being a train wreck more than I do now!