Monday, March 14, 2016

52 Weeks of Gratitude: Week 11

Week 11
Someone Who Inspires You.

I picked several people in my post on Instagram. Including MY HUSBAND. Both of my sisters, Jeffrey R. Holland, and my friend Erik.  However, I decided for my blog post I was going to include one more crucial person...ME!
I inspire myself? Why, yes. I do. Here is why: I am a better person today than I was yesterday.

I'm growing into this thing called womanhood, and I'm realizing that my confidence is taking me great places. Yeah, I have the occasional doubt, but for the most part, my confidence is rock solid. I know what I've got, what I'm not and who I am. (Those are lyrics from the song I walked down the aisle too) I have realized that happiness is a choice. Duh. But one you have to literally make daily, despite and in spite of everything else. It isn't about your adversity, but how you react to it, that matters. The truth is, being a confident woman is different than being a loud woman, an arrogant woman, a "sexy" woman, or a successful woman. In fact, possessing confidence has little to do with any of those. I love this quote, Confidence is silent. Insecurity is loud.

When I see insecure women, I am reminded of the insecure girl I used to be. Loud. Boastful. Obnoxiously self centered. The majority of my conversations were about myself, bragging about the good and exaggerating the bad. I know a few women like this and I actually feel sad when I'm around them because it is a reminder that I once lived in that insecure realm, and that a lot of women can't break free of it. It's interesting that we should characterize people by their actions, not their words. Because people can, and will, say anything. In the right moment, they use the right words. But do they do the right thing?

Okay, so I still have a bad habit of talking about myself...on my blog...and in person...and in text...because I'm a writer and that's what we do. Nonetheless, my attitude has morphed from even last year till now. I have eliminated most of my big insecurities and have only a few self doubts left, most of them about motherhood. I almost can't be around deeply insecure people. I am scarcely tolerate them for a few minutes. Why? I don't like to live in remembrance of my own past insecurities. They bring me down. Its annoying. Yada yada. They are people who will say anything, but rarely do good. Their actions are negative while they flounce around chattering glittery remarks. It fools only the fool. A person can say nice things, in general, or to me, but if they act rudely, even towards other people, I cannot find it in my heart to call them a friend. (unless it is PMS get 1 free Get Out Of Jail card...1!!) Usually these people make it a habitual problem...they are insecure. It was me, 6 years ago.

I inspire myself because I saw that unfit, sad little girl in a 20-something year old body and I told her, Snap out of it! Plus, I was going to be a mom and I knew how I was going to raise my be Kings and Queens! To know their value and their worth. So, I thought, I ought to know my own. You know what? I don't care how many wrinkles I have. The only time I notice them is when that one insecure girl starts blabbing about how much botox she gets done. I don't care about my gray hairs until I go to work and do hair for a living, and have beautiful people sit in my chair all day and tell me they feel ugly with gray hair. I'm a cosmetoglist and I can and will tell you, THE COLOR OF YOUR HAIR IS NOT WHAT MAKES YOU BEAUTIFUL. Maybe it makes you feel pretty, and can prefftify you in some superficial way (which is moderation) but beauty has to originate some place else. The heart. The mind. The soul. I don't care about my muffin top until girls who have had babies complain about losing their 6 pack. I LOOOVE to work out and consider myself a fit girl. Do I do it for others? Or to look good in a bikini? Nah. I do it for myself and my health. My wellth! I don't care about looking or acting or being a younger more Hollywood-ized version of myself because, I will quote one of my fav songs played on Christian radio, "I don't need my name in lights, I'm famous in my Father's eyes." He knows my name. I had it all once, and every opportunity. I'm so glad I did not follow that path. Fame is not my game.

My ultimate goal in life is to be secretly incredible. Isn't that beautiful? Secretly incredible, like Christ. A sincere, confident, loving person who was quiet and meek by nature. Hated, unfortunately, but only by those who lacked. As I grow closer to this goal, I recognize some of that antagonistic behavior from people who maybe lack the confidence. I wish I was strong enough to be their friend and support my own, but I'm I kinda just act like they don't exist. But maybe next year I'll be better and be able to carry my load and theirs. I will make it a goal to eliminate remaining bad behaviors of mine, including insecurities I have about failing as a mother or wife. Knowing my old bad behaviors has made it easier and more painful to spot the bad behaviors in others. I'm still searching for the magic cure that can 1. Help them and 2. Help me be okay with them while they are being helped.

I inspire me because I know my worth and I only feel lesser when the world tells me I am. When I shut out that voice, and put all my focus on my eternal plan, I am stupidly happy. One day I will not even hear the world's voice. I am a daughter of God. (who loves us and we love Him...YW Pledge) I know why I was sent here, what I am to do, and what my potential is in the afterlife. It is Crystal clear, no worldly femoral mortal clouds confusing me anymore. Sorry, New aren't in my stars.but happily ever after is!!

I inspire me because I see my own beauty in my eyes. And I don't care who finds me "physically" beautiful anymore. No amount of physical change covers up insecurity. None. And I am in the business of physical change, trust me. I've seen it all. The most insecure people I know have changed everything about themselves and indulge in every cosmetic/surgical change available to their budget. And they're still not happy. Self love comes from a deeper place than surgery and fillers and hair color. Sometimes those can boost your confidence for a minute, but you have to get to your roots and weed out the bigger problem. (step 4 from the ARP)

I inspire me because I have given up my own plans for God's plan for me, and it feels great. Hard, but great. The blessings are much richer and longer lasting. Its so obvious now, and in my bad behavior way, I point out the ways other people have lost sight of God's plan for them. It is why they are unhappy or lost, or why they haven't met certain goals (marriage, children, jobs, life, etc) It is why they are stuck in their bad behaviors and insecurities. (one of mine is pin pointing those....ugh!!! K I'll put that on my list too)

We are all beautiful creatures and this week has inspired me to inspire me more!! happy everyone !

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