Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Parenting Is


Parenting is picking up your baby, setting them on your hip, grabbing the diapers, the blanket, tucking the teddy under your arm and the cell phone under your chin, and you drop the binkie....which somehow manages to bounce way off into BFE underneath the bed.

Parenting is letting baby hair tickle your face into madness because they fell asleep smashed against you and if you move to wipe those dastardly flyaways from your irritated nose it will wake the demon!

Parenting is never eating your full serving. You will eat 1/3 of what is on your plate. Your toddler will "eat" 1/3 of it. And 1/3 will end up on the floor. Squashed into your beautiful hardwood floor.

Parenting is never sleeping. Ever. By the time one kid's eyes close, the other's are opening. If one is crying, the other has to.

Parenting is chasing your kid into the bathroom 3 times a night because they either have an obsession with sitting on the potty or they sleep walk to the potty...because they never actually go potty in the night.

Parenting is never having furniture at the proper right angles. You will have couches and chairs and ottomans and they will all be facing random angles thanks to your crooked kids...who bought a crooked fish....the crooked cat was hungry...so he snatched it off the dish...

Parenting is wearing matching head to toe outfits with your daughter.

Parenting is reading the same 5 children's books until you have them memorized and start to speak in rhyme.

Parenting is being a five foot tall Kleenex.

Parenting is never viewing your tub as a safe haven again.

Parenting is stepping on the sharpest kid toy, every freakin time you put it away and there it is again, in the corner, in the hall.

Parenting is being broke. Except when your girl needs that outfit. And that bow. And those shoes. And the bracelet.

Parenting is living in baby puke 24/7. Just adapt to the smell. It could be worse. It could be the 1800's.

Parenting is feeling a happiness you've never known.

Parenting is feeling an anger you've never known.

Parenting is feeling a worry you've never known.

Parenting is being psychologically unfit for society.

Parenting is being 100% selfless. You never get what you want, ever. You can't eat what you want, because it makes your baby sick. You can't wear the shirt you want, because your toddler will get it dirty. You can't eat, sleep, shower, work out, watch grown up television, or have nice decorations and pillows. (I have a fondness for my pillows)

Parenting is being smarter and less tolerant, of immature individuals who make fun of people with kids, at the same time.

Parenting is having a best friend, no matter what you do.

Parenting is laughing at people who think breasts are sexual objects.

Parenting is living in a world of poop. Here is my poop castle, with my poop thrown, and my poop crown.

Parenting is taking 45 min to get out the door! And just when you do and both kids are buckled in, the car is running, and you're gonna be late, you realize you're wearing slippers.

Parenting is wearing slippers everywhere.

Parenting is being pissed at everything your neighbors do during naptime.

Parenting is much different than owning pets. Your pet cat and snake and hamster are such cute offspring!--side eye.

Parenting is taking a cold bath with your kid, at 2am, because they are running a fever of 103 and one of you is about to have a seizure.

Parenting is loving your mom butt.

Parenting is being the Grumpiest happy person you've ever met.

Parenting is digging for your son's penis in hit fat rolls.

Parenting is hearing your baby cry...from 5 miles away....

Parenting is never wearing white or cream, or light yellow. Scratch that. Yellow blends in.

Parenting is controlling your temper in a divine like manner.

Parenting is being so used to kid breath old diaper smell that hippies now smell like glittering rainbows.

Parenting is crying during family pictures.

Parenting is thinking you're doing a better job than everyone else.

Parenting is praying more than you've ever done before.

Parenting is being a five foot tall rocking chair made of flesh and blood and feelings!

Parenting is having feelings, but they don't matter.

Parenting is stalking every known sex offender before they stalk you.

Parenting is having your concealed weapons permit.

Parenting is being a mammal, grooming your baby like a she-ape, scraping cradle cap from their scalp, biting off their long fingernails, sniffing their bum, snarling at nearby threats, ooing and awing in primal cute gibberish,  sleeping with them on your teet, rubbing your face all over theirs to mark them with your scent while breathing them in, bathing them in kisses just shy of licking them clean. 

Parenting is singing made up lyrics in a made up song, but your child will never know if it's right or wrong. (I rhyme)

Parenting is being willing to fight anyone, anywhere, anytime.

Parenting is looking forward to jail...if someone hurts your kid.

Parenting is going Gray. And wearing it like a badge of honor. (this was my first Gray hair...ya, I achieved it after giving birth to my son. I named her Brunehilda. This here, is my second Gray hair. Phyillis. She came after 4 months of listening to 2 screaming babies. I know. Smirk. I bet I have a third somewhere.)

Parenting is being able to speak in tongues.

Parenting is understanding that Bop Bop means Otter Pop in under a millisecond.

Parenting is freaking out at Wal-Mart because you see a little boy carrying a stuffed animal, Chase, from the Paw Patrol, which is your daughters favorite Nickolodeon cartoon.

Parenting is sweeping 6 times a day.

Parenting is doing laundry 6 times a day.

Parenting is doing the dishes 6 times a day.

Parenting is wanting to slap people who don't have kids when they talk about their problems, while simultaneously envying them and their problems.

Parenting is a full-time job with unexpected overtime and your boss is the short name for Richard.

Parenting is finding joy in the little things.

Parenting is patience. 

Parenting is sacrifice.

Parenting is saying, Don't! 8,039 times a day.

Parenting is being a big fat hypocrite. (puts kids to bed, sits down, puts feet on the couch, turns on Breaking Bad, eats ice cream while surfing the web until 11pm)

Parenting is noise.

Parenting is understanding your worth and value and purpose as a human being.

Parenting is falling asleep while standing up even after 2 Mountain Dews.

Parenting is being fertile and a natural birth control at the same time.

Parenting is giving up your dreams for someone else's. And being stupidly happy for it!

Parenting is secretly mocking people who pay for gym memberships, coffee, or love.

Parenting is having one, really solid, strong, man arm.

Parenting is potty training, and you take your kid to the public restroom at the mall where they grab the toilet seat and then your face while your hands are busy pulling up their pants.

Parenting is work.

Parenting is fun.

Parenting is awesome.

Parenting is the best thing in the whole world!!!!!!!