Saturday, December 26, 2015

I'm Sexy and I know it (Dern de der der dern)

Any woman wants to know how to keep it sexy in her relationship, but there is nothing like a New Mom looking for simple ways to be fresh and hot when trying to adjust to this wild adventure of parenthood. Nothing says glamorous like life with an infant...let me tell you...and I just had my second.
My beautiful baby boy is now three months, hooray!!!! My daughter is 21 months, so yes, I had them very close together. I thought I'd have this baby stuff down, but having a baby girl first and a boy second has switched things up a bit. Lucky for me, I've learned a few new tricks of the trade. Like, how not to smell like laundry that has sat in the wash for 5 days, and how to go a week without washing your hair and not look like you just showed up to Burning Man. When it comes to being sexy as a mom, I've got it all figured out. From my heart to yours, here is a day in the life of a sexy New mom:

But First, a little prequel:
{3:04am. Drag one eye open and feel your way to the bassinet to pick up your crying baby. Feed, burp, diaper change, put baby back to sleep and fall face first into the puddle of spit up now covering your pillow.
5:10am. There's a baby crying somewhere. Oh, yes. Its yours. You chose to procreate again for some reason. Don't bother opening your eyes, just sleep walk/sit, breastfeed, burp, put baby back in bassinet, toss your puke soaked shirt on the ground, lay a towel across your bed and go back to sleep all without even cracking an eyelid.
6:30am. The nursery door opens and in walks your toddler. For the LOVE pllleeeaaaaase do NOT wake the baBY!
Welcome her into your bed with a big hug and (slobbery) kiss. Those are my favorite!! Baby wakes up anyway. Guess it's time for the millionth- spill- clean- up- mop- four-times-before - noon to begin. Rub those dark circles and start your morning right.}
Now that we are awake, it's time to get serious about our sexy.
Bring on the hottness!

Once you're out of bed, Take out your retainer, because that is totally unsexy. There's no need to look in the mirror. That nighty is fabulous when stained and stiff from leaky breastmilk, but just to keep your laundry to a minimum, slap on some new breast pads. Mmhm. Lumpy no bra day, Round 23. A dab of deodorant and a messy bun. If your hair is naturally curly, you're extremely lucky. Baby barf acts as an organic hair gel. Victoria's Secret models die for that stuff. Since you're gorgeous as is, and rock purple under eye bags like a champion, you don't need makeup. You'll brush your teeth later.
Now, I'm all about getting ready. A head to toe matching yoga workout outfit is a must! It is totally adorable, flexible, and squeezes the cute areas of back fat you've acquired after baby number two. The neon green matches your amazingly comfortable, practical Nike's, and the material absorbs baby puke like nobody's business! Win for mom!

On a non-work day, we have breakfast, and then it is learning time. Blast your favorite country radio station, get smeared with every Crayola art product known to man, breastfeed, burp, change multiple diapers, and by the time you know it, it's lunch hour. Food is a very sexy part of your day, because you never know when you might see it again. You mow down in mach speed, showing off a little because you have a die hard Sexy Chew Face, and start cleaning as your toddler finishes. With infant in the Bjorn, you jiggle around your kitchen in a wannabe "dance-off-while-scrubbing-dishes" extravaganza. You remember your glory days and give twerking a go, but you hurt your back, wake up the baby from whining, and end up lying to your toddler about "trying to fix the oven" when she gives you a strange face. Its okay. You can practice twerking later during naptime.
You wake up an hour and a half later, sweat or drool or breastmilk covering most of your upper body, realizing you and the baby fell asleep during toddler naptime, sprawled on the couch, mid-feeding session, as the toddler comes running out of her bedroom pointing to the TV, yelling, "Dada?" (cartoons?) No big deal. You can watch Frozen for the 14th time, because you have a terrifically sexy voice and know every song by heart. You're practically Madonna.
Its time for the sexy selfie of the day. You try your best angle a thousand times, squishing both kids into the frame because you have to look like America's number one Multi-tasking Crafter Stay At Home Mother of the Century to the social media world. Don't you DARE remove the Cheerios stuck to your hair! It adds texture to the image. Now, this is where you use all the good filters and then put it in black and white. The contrast does wonders for your complexion. Your skin is suddenly smooth and all the zits you named have disappeared. Crop it just below that one rogue hair sticking out of your bun, but don't cut out the chalk wall portrait you illustrated photobombing in the background. People will have no idea how many spilled sippy cups you've cleaned up, or the fact that you only had time to clip 8 of your toenails yesterday.
When the hubs gets home, you blend in the flour from baking and spit up from baby in to your awesome yoga ensemble, clean up a bit by shoveling all the uneaten kid snacks into your mouth and kicking objects into semi-organized piles of books, stuffed animals, and blocks, grab some gum and remind yourself to brush your teeth as soon as he isn't looking. Hubs gives your yoga pants a smile and you grin cause you've been working out ALL day.  14 pounds has to come off quickly do a couple squats to prove it, and try not to fart...Which reminds you, your natural pheromones congeal harmoniously with that vanishing deodorant smell.
After dinner, you do baths and puzzles. Dad plays with the kids while you pump. This is where you really get your man's attention. The breastpumps these days are high powered, electronic suctioning devices that look and sound like miniature satellites. It is a bonding moment for you and your husband when you watch in awe as your nipple stretches three inches longer than it ever should and you gain a new respect for the Dairy Cow. 4 ounces of creamy goodness and two magenta areolas later, you're proud to flaunt that swollen, sore rack you thought only came with $3,000 debt and an offer for reality television.

Nighttime rolls around and you, on a lucky day, get to take a 47 second shower. You start to pass out while changing into jammies, because you're sleepy yawning face really turns your husband on. When you get the kids in bed, you shake out your hair that nearly stays in the same shape it has all day regardless of no ponytail, and change your breast pads. Sour milk smell is sooooo midday!! You think about getting frisky with the hubs, but your baby monitor is playing a ten second interval of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star over and over....and over. The baby might wake up, disturbed by creaking bed frame, and you realize you STILL haven't brushed your teeth. OH WELL. Put your retainer back in and hit the pillow. Your husband loves looking at your flabby backside, pondering all the lovely things you accomplished throughout the day, how you kept your two cherished children alive and still managed to keep up on most of your household chores. He is silently praising you for finishing your 6th load of laundry for the week, and for being able to change a diaper in under 10 seconds, and he's admiring your ability to only cry on the inside, unless it is an odd hour, in which case you cry every other minute for no particular reason at all. And lastly he's patting dat fine booty of yours cause all of you and everything you do is SEXY as all get out!!!! The added cushion to your rump reminds him of the inside of LASAGNA, which makes his mouth water as you snore into oblivion, wearing your t-shirt inside out, with dried baby poop streaked across your forearm.
You're so beautiful, it is unreal. 

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