Tuesday, March 24, 2015

A Letter To My Past

In the ARP program, we are encouraged to make restitution to anyone we have hurt, and to seek restitution with people who have hurt us. While I've completed this step before, I had some thoughts this early morning that I wanted to write down in the form of a letter. I woke up at 5am, unable to sleep, and of course my go-to is my laptop. I spent 2 hours working on my commercial fiction, and now I'm going to blog. 😊 more specifically, I'm going to write a letter. It is addressed to anonymous.

Dear anonymous,

Thank you, for a great life lesson learned.

At one point, I thought your influence in my life was solely to cause me pain and anguish. I could not see beyond my suffering, through the Refiner's fire, to the future that my Heavenly Father had in store for me.

During our time together, I was in my darkest state of mind. I did not recognize myself. I knew you were trying to hurt me, and I knew you were going to destroy me--if I let you.

For a long time, I almost let you.

The heartache and torment your actions caused me led me to believe I would never heal. I never thought I'd find peace. I did not want to find love. I never wanted to hurt, ever again, the way you hurt me. I was willing to be at odds with everyone, including God, in an effort to avoid anything that might inflict more pain upon me. I gave up such big, important parts of my spirit. I hated you. I hated myself.

But somehow I found the light. I remember finally feeling resolve and restitution over those years of struggle, and how liberating it was. I no longer felt the need to blame you, or make you pay for your mistakes. I did not seek revenge. Instead of anger for time and love lost, I felt relief and gratitude. Because of you, I have acquired the skills necessary to climb the mountain of mortality. My heavenly father loves me, and He has always had a plan for me. That plan included my hardships facing your abuse. He has always wanted me to be strong, wise, and defiant in the face of the adversary. He has predetermined my path as a mother. It has always been my calling to be a mother. He has wanted me to lead by example, to be compassionate and understanding, and to touch people's lives in ways others could not.

Without you, I would not know what it means to be patient. I would not have learned to control my temperament. I never knew what it was like to dispute in a constructive manner, or what it was like to forgive. I would not know how to soften my tongue and quiet my voice in the face of aggression. Without you, I would still be the same.

Instead of hindering my growth, you have exponentially encouraged it. I know how to calmly reflect on a situation and analyze the positive and negative angles before reacting. I can speak my mind and have a strong, firm, opinion without offending. I do not hold grudges the way I used to. I can give, selflessly, without being taken advantage of. I am not afraid to love.

I am a mother. I have started my eternal journey and give my heart fully to my children. I can raise them with kindness and long suffering. I do not fear betrayal as I once did. Acceptance of human error and mortal weakness comes with a simpler understanding now. My aspirations to lead and nurture a growing family include expressing love and respect in my marriage, and all relationships around me. I can lead by example. I am an example of sympathy. I feel more.

Because of you, I am an unbeatable daughter of God, a princess in a kingdom on High. I have chosen to accept your lessons and incorporate that experience into my eternal progression. Because of you, I am a good woman. I take responsibility for my actions. I do good deeds for other people. I care about pleasing those around me instead of just pleasing myself. I know what it is like to have nothing, to have lost everything, and to be in the depths of despair, and I know what it is like to rise out of that and achieve all that I thought I'd never achieve. I know how to give thanks. I can stay away from pride because I know what it means to walk away from everything I own, to leave my home, my belongings, my clothing, to disregard all my earthly possessions, and start over. I do not desire worldly possessions the way I once did.

Thanks, to you, for helping me along the way. Your contributions have been invaluable.


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