Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Love Languages: How do you speak love?

I've written an article on love languages once before, where I specifically discussed Gift Giving (which is mine). Today I'd like to talk more about Words.
For those of you who have read the book on the Five Love Languages, you already know what they are. For those that haven't, I'll briefly tell you the Five categories:
*gift giving
*words
*touch
*service
*time
Most people are a combination of several, however, there is usually one that means the most to you. To figure how how you show love, think about your favorite way to receive it. Normally you have a tendency to do one of the Five on a regular basis when trying to show love. This is because it is your love language. You speak gifts or touch or service. In addition, you expect this kind of language to be spoken to you. It is your favorite way to feel love. Mine happens to be gift giving, which you can read in more detail on my previous post. Today, let's talk about words.
For someone who speaks words as a love language, you actually speak words of love. You need to be told you are loved, or told you look beautiful, or told thank you when you've done something nice. This means you are typically very vocal when expressing love to others.
Now, this goes for everyone and every love language. When you make an effort to speak and that effort is rejected, it is enormously painful. It is much more painful for someone to be rejected by their own love language, than by any of the other four. For example, when I wrote about my love for gift giving, I mentioned how hurt I am by people who want a gift receipt to exchange the purchase. You may think this is stupid, but that is because gift giving is not your love language. If it is words, then you are probably devastated if someone was to yell at you, "You're so ugly and I hate you!" Negative words hurt a word-love-language-user like ungrateful gift recipients hurt me.
So. You don't feel loved by your spouse if they aren't actively verbalizing their affection for you. The same goes for someone who speaks touch. If they aren't being snuggled, or kissed, or making love to their partner, they suddenly feel like the love is lost between them.
This is why it is so HUGE to discover and discuss your love language at the beginning of your relationship. You will spend less time hurt and disappointed if you can communicate to your partner, how you speak and feel love. Because there are negative repercussions if you don't.
Now, I am not a words gal. I do appreciate a compliment now and then, but it is not my number one. Therefore, I'm not super hurt by name calling and lack of "I love yous" going on. (This doesn't mean I condone it)  but say I was to fight with my husband and he called me a big fat jerk, or said I was mean and he hated me and didn't trust me. Well, that would be rude and I would get over it. But to someone who speaks words for a love language, these kinds of things are irrevocably painful. You may think you are just spouting off in the heat of the moment, but you are causing someone grief that you can't take back. To you it may seem stupid, but that's because it isn't your love language. If you speak touch, and you are never hugged or kissed, you would not feel loved by the person you wanted it from, and a lack of touch would cause you immense misery. If you're like me, and you speak gifts, you feel the most loved when someone gives you something thoughtful.(that's right, it can be free) and you are the most hurt when ignored on birthdays or when a gift you give goes unwanted. If you speak time, and your partner is never around, maybe they are in the military, then you feel devastated and lonely.
Remember these languages go for all relationships, not just husband and wife. Parents, family members and friends all need to learn these five skills to improve their relationships. Seriously, it is a genius concept and will say you mounds of suffering.
Try to figure out your love language today, and talk to those you love about theirs. Happy Wednesday!