Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Hilarious: 50 honest motherhood priority shifts

I'll be honest. I was one of those high-heel-wearing, freshly laundered, stylish-haired, toe nails painted, whole foods buying, mid-twenty something females a little over a year ago...... hey, I am a cosmetologist. Still am! But last March, my world went topsy turvy in that  most cataclysmic sort of way. I gave birth to my beautiful daughter.

As I documented my pregnancy, my delivery, and those first few delirious weeks at home, I started to witness some changes in the sparkly lifestyle I had just spent twenty-six proud years cultivating. So, as I sit sprawled on my couch, nursing my little one, I decided to capture just a few more of these note worthy adjustments and share them all with you. Women and uteruses around the globe, feel free to agree. Laughs welcome. Mommy dribbles encouraged. (the mothers out there get that one) I can be lewd and blunt, so enjoy at your own discretion.

Priorities from pre baby life to post baby.

Here we go.

  1. I don't need a bra today.          1. Crap. I need a bra every day.
  2. I wont wear a bra today.          2. Dang it. None of my bras fit!
  3. Fine, I'll just go braless anyway. 3. Breastmilk everywhere.
  4. Lets drop $35 on a fancy pedicure and pick up highly over-priced frozen yogurt on our fabulous girls day out!            4. Babe! I need some darn nursing pads for this darn nursing bra! 
  5. I just slept till like noon.        5. Is it 12:00 as in noon or 12:00 as in midnight?? Its all the same.
  6. Remember that pedicure we just got last week? Lets get another one!    6. Praise heaven, the baby is finally asleep. I'll clip these raptor claws taking over my toenails.
  7. I want the Cheesecake Factory.      7. Did I eat this week?
  8.  I'll have the Lobster special.           8. Graham crackers? Really? That's the only thing in my pantry? Eating all of them....
  9. I work out seven, maybe eight, days a week.      9. I just spent thirty minutes trying to poop. Does that count?
  10. Flatulents ? Gross.                         10. I toot all day. It's out of control.
  11. I can drive while singing to the radio, texting, checking Facebook, and applying mascara at the same time.                                        11. Multitasking? I just breastfeed and rocked the baby back to sleep while going number two. Nailed it.
  12. Ew. Did someone just toot?             12. Honestly, it could've been a toot or a burp.
  13. I need my hair colored. Its been like three weeks.        13. Holy cow the baby is sleeping ...I think I should shower.....
  14. Febreeze in the air.                          14. Febreeze in my armpits.
  15. These three pound dumbbells give me a killer workout.        15. Twenty pound carseat, eleven pound baby, fifteen pound diaper bag, cellphone, keys, wallet, liter of water, and sixteen extra pounds on my bod... Need me to carry that?
  16. French fries? Heck no, those are empty calories.          16. I need an extra order of French fries.
  17. Don't tell me how to live my life!                17. Don't tell me how to raise my daughter!
  18. Say that to my face!             18. Say whatever you want to me, but If you hurt her, I will kill you. And you only have fourteen seconds to hide.
  19. I couldn't spend one night in jail!           19. Jail? I'd survive. Ive been through labor.
  20. That hurt my feelings.                    20. Seriously, fourteen seconds,
  21. Is she gossiping about me?            21. Thirteen.
  22. Who does she think she is? Next time I see her I'm gonna tell her that her teeth are too small and her car is ghetto...I need a pedicure.             22. Twelve.
  23. Who brings a baby to the grocery?        23. Are you ready for this, little baby? Mamas gotta eat too and I've been surviving on lentils for three weeks...I apologize in advance to all other grocery shoppers.
  24. Will someone hush that screaming baby? I'm trying to peruse the dairy aisle in peace.          24.       (Staring at my baby and speaking in a condescending voice) Anything you can do, I can do better.  Initiate screaming contest!!
  25. It's quiet in my house. I'm bored.           25. Holy cow, don't your lungs ever hurt? Aren't you ever tired? Are you even human?
  26. I once won a beauty contest.      27. Pushing a stroller is beauty, right?.
  27. I gained a pound!              28. I lost seventeen pounds in one month.
  28. And squat! And squat! And squat!             29. I have knee fat.
  29. 13$ on one Starbucks.           29. 13$ on one bag of diapers.
  30. Puke? Ew.             30. Slept in a pile of baby puke, wearing a puke soaked shirt, with a puke dread lock in my hair.
  31. I'm having a bad hair day.               32. Day 5 Rocking that puke dread lock.
  32. I need to shave and get a tan.           32. My hairy legs make me look tan, right?  
  33. Sweat? Ew.             33. I have boob sweat.
  34. I can hold it.               34. Sir, I will go right now, all over you and your gas station, public restroom or not.
  35. Geez my parents have called 6 times today.               35. Why aren't my parents answering their phone???
  36. Dr? No I haven't been in years.            36. I need the on call pediatrician immediately.
  37.  I look hawt in this bikini!          37. Ya, I'm wearing this mui mui. Get over it.
  38. Size zero.         38. Pretty sure my butt is hanging out over my belt loops but you can't tell because my baggy mom shirt.
  39. Fresh.       39. Frumpy.
  40. Babe, let's have sex.          40. Ugh, Didn't we have sex last week??
  41. I'm not in the mood.        41. The baby is asleep, dang it! Lets go, now! 
  42. I need to whiten my teeth.           42. Did I brush my teeth today?
  43. Nobody understands!        43. All you other moms get it. I have so much support.
  44. I have 15 text messages. I must be popular.            44. I haven't seen my cell since yesterday. 
  45. I want a Lamborghini some day.         45. Does it get me from point A to point B? We are solid.
  46. I need a couple hundred in savings.          46. I need a couple grand in savings......like yesterday.
  47. 60 pairs of high heels.       47. Where are my flattest shoes possible?
  48. I love my life.             48. I never knew what love was before you.
  49. I need to get out and hit the town, feel alive!             48. There's nothing I'd rather do, then hold you in my arms, kiss your head, and pass out like a hot mess at 8:00pm for the rest of my life.
  50. My family is annoying.          50. Family is EVERYTHING.

#motherhood
#Lifeofamom 
#Newmom 
#Priorities
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